


Gray mornings and long drives will bring me home someday

by Loser_Angel_666



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Comfort, Fix-It, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, M/M, Sad with a Happy Ending, but it's not too bad i don't think, mention of slightly suicidal thoughts???
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-29
Updated: 2020-11-29
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:22:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,179
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27769720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Loser_Angel_666/pseuds/Loser_Angel_666
Summary: "His last moment on earth may have been one of happiness, but his eternity in the empty will be nothing but pain, and Dean thinks he might have to never think about that again if he wants to make good on his promise to Cas.He thinks maybe he’ll be like this forever. Pouring whiskey in his coffee until it makes him feel awake again."---it has a happy ending i promise
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Eileen Leahy/Sam Winchester
Comments: 3
Kudos: 76





	Gray mornings and long drives will bring me home someday

**Author's Note:**

> This takes place after 15X19
> 
> finale doesn't exist obviously
> 
> I'm a sucker for swifty!dean but idk how to incorporate that into such an emotional story
> 
> also titles are harddd but that's okay

At first, Sam and Dean had tried to go back to just taking cases. They found some simple salt and burns, a shape-shifter, some vampires. And for a few weeks everything was almost as it had been when Dean first stole Sam away from college life. 

Still, everything had changed. Their lives, their goals, their families, everything. They were grieving. They mourned for everyone they couldn’t save. Every death they were too busy to grieve over. Every loss they bottled up. They were full of sorrow and guilt and pain, and as they took the head clean off of a zombie, or watched a ghost go up in flames, they thought about everyone who was gone for good. All the goodbyes they never got to say. Everything they were too afraid to face.

It didn’t last long. They both knew it wouldn’t. Dean saw Sam toying with his phone every free moment they had. He opened it up to Eileen’s texts and then closed it again. He hovered his thumb over the call button before clicking off the device. Dean has had enough of it. Cas was gone for good, there was no coming back from the empty. But there’s no reason Eileen would be gone. Jack brought everyone else back, Eileen must be back too.

So he tells Sam he found a case, and they drive. When he gets to Eileen's town, he sees Sam tense, and when they turn onto her street Sam looks at Dean and shakes his head. When Dean parks the car in front of her house, Sam nods, gathers himself, and runs to the door. Eileen answers on the second knock.

Dean watches with a soft smile as his little brother clings to Eileen. They’re both definitely crying, and the height difference would make Dean laugh, but he knows how relieved Sam must feel. He aches for that relief too. He aches for the chance to hold Cas like that. Wishes Cas would show up and he could hold onto him like Sam and Eileen are holding onto each other. Dean is getting misty eyed, but he blinks it away and scrolls through the contacts in his phone while they have their adorable reunion. 

Dean hovers over Cas’ name, before he hits call, just so he can hear his voice on the voicemail. But he hangs up before it stops ringing, hearing Cas’ voice right now would be too much. So he waits until Sam and Eileen have separated before he gets out of the car and wraps Eileen in his own hug. He signs to her that he’s glad she’s okay, and she signs back ‘me too’. 

Dean ends up driving back to the bunker alone that night. He has his head in his hands and a beer by his feet. He’s sitting on the edge of Cas’ bed, and staring at the blank walls because Cas never got to decorate. He never got to make the bunker feel like a home. They had lost so fucking much. They were free god dammit. They were finally free and Dean felt like he had never been more hateful for it.

Dean curses himself, he curses Chuck, he curses the angels and the demons and heaven and hell. He curses Cas, for telling him something so big and then dying.

Sam and Eileen spend the next few days in the bunker, and it feels like maybe it’s coming alive again. It’s not just Sam and Dean sitting around a too big table with too many bottles and empty expressions anymore. Sam is clearly still hurting, and so is Eileen, but they bring light to each other’s eyes and it makes Dean’s chest ache with happiness and pain and grief all over again. 

“I’m going to take a break.” Dean tells them one morning, and Sam looks at him sadly, like he knows what his brother is feeling.

“Okay.”

“I’m not sure when I’ll be back.”

“Keep in touch then, yeah?” 

“I will, Sammy. I promise.” Dean nods and Sam nods too, looking down.

“Don’t do anything stupid.”

“I won’t.”

So Dean gets in Baby and pulls out of the bunker’s garage. Somehow, this drive feels different than all of his other pointless drives. This time he’s looking for something.

This time he’s letting himself let go. 

He turns up the music, even though he doesn’t really have it in him to dance, and when a sad song comes on, he finds himself crying. It isn’t raining. It’s not dark out. The sun blares down and cars pass him on the highway and he ends up pulling over on the side of the road to let himself sob. It’s the first time he’s let his tears fall so freely. 

He calls Charlie after that and tells her he misses her and that he’s glad he has a friend like her, simply because he’s never felt so alone. Charlie tells him she loves him and not to do anything stupid. 

“Can’t tell a friend I appreciate them without it being worrisome, huh?”

“You’re hurting.”

“I’m worse than that.” 

“I’m sorry.”

“I’m not gonna let his sacrifice go to waste, Charlie.”

“That’s good. I’m proud of you, Dean.”

“I’ll see you later, yeah?”

“Of course. I love you.”

“You too,”

After that, he lets himself tap his hand on the steering wheel to the beat of the music. He turns it up on Taylor Swift and sings along to every lyric he knows. Windows down, voice raw, chest bleeding with everything he’s never let himself feel before. 

He goes to all the silent places where the stars are the most visible, and he watches the moon become brighter as the sun goes down.

He texts Sammy pictures of the sky and of the national parks he visits. He Texts Charlie about the cool looking people he passes and he tells Bobby about his favorite burger joints in case he passes through one of the towns for a hunt.

He puts in the cassette he made for Cas, and he listens to it all the way through, and then he restarts it and listens again until he’s crying again. If he had anything left of Cas besides the bloody hand print… but he doesn’t. He spends that night looking through old pictures of them, and Jack. He listens to the cassette again, and he wonders if he should get a therapist, now that he’s supposed to be living a normal life. 

What would he even say? ‘My mother died when I was four, I’ve spent my whole life in danger, protecting my brother like my father didn’t, we’ve both died far too many times, lost nearly everyone we’ve ever gotten close to, and I fell in love with an angel who died as soon as he told me how he felt.’

Dean falls asleep with the last voicemail Cas left him playing in his ear.

Jody calls him, probably because Sam told her he was worried, and she offers him a couch to crash on. Dean doesn’t think he can stomach seeing Claire right now. But he does miss Jody. He misses Donna, and patience and Alex. He misses Claire too, and maybe he needs this. They’re his family too, after all, and Dean doesn’t really feel like he has much else besides family.

He pulls into the driveway of their cabin a day and a half later, realizing he smells like body odor, alcohol, and car exhaust. But Jody wraps him up in a hug anyway, telling him that there’s dinner on the table and a shower down the hall. She gets him some of his old pajamas they must have left at her house, and Dean sits down to the first family dinner he’s had since before Chuck was a threat they knew about.

He can’t look at Claire, he doesn’t want to tell her that Castiel is gone, because he’ll have too, even if she already knows. Claire doesn’t really look away from him though, and he feels guilty, because as much as Dean lost his best friend, Claire lost a father figure. And she’d already lost two parents. After dinner, he’s spreading an old blanket on the couch and thanking Jody when Claire brings him pillows.

“How are you doing?” She asks him.

“I’m good,” He nods solemnly. “How are you holding up?”

“I’m okay.”

Dean accepts the pillows and pats the couch next to him for Claire to sit down. He realizes how much of a daughter she is to him, and he regrets not being there for her more.

“Cas is gone.” Dean tells her, she only nods.

“I know.”

“Do you miss him?”

“Yeah.” She says softly, looking down at her fingernails, “Do you?” She asks and Dean sniffs dryly. He doesn’t really have any tears left in him.

“More than anything.” He whispers. 

“When Kaia was gone, it was like everything was empty.” Claire recalls. 

Dean nods. That’s what Cas being gone feels like. There are still colors. Still light and life. But it isn’t his to take. The sunsets aren’t for him to look at. The grass isn’t growing to cushion his steps. There still is happiness, but Dean is just here to watch it unfold. Going along with it, in hopes that one day it will open a door and welcome him in.

He wonders if Cas is happy, if he’s at peace in the empty. He doubts it. His last moment on earth may have been one of happiness, but his eternity in the empty will be nothing but pain, and Dean thinks he might have to never think about that again if he wants to make good on his promise to Cas.

He thinks maybe he’ll be like this forever. Pouring whiskey in his coffee until it makes him feel awake again. He hates that Claire ever had to feel like this. He hates that he wasn’t there to help his kind-of-daughter through it.

“I’m sorry, I shoulda been there for you,”

“I had Jody. I know you were busy.”

“Still.” Dean rubs a hand over his face. “How is Kaia now?”

“She’s wonderful. She’s… Perfect.”

“When am I gonna meet her, then?”

“One day.” Claire smiles.

“I look forward to it, kiddo.” Dean says. Claire gets up, leaving him alone on the couch. It isn’t late enough for him to sleep, but he feels exhausted. Being with Jody and Donna and the girls was the first bit of happiness he’s felt in months though, and he’s glad for it. He missed them more than he realized.

Jody joins him in the living room then, and if his talk with Claire was emotionally draining, he’s really in for it now. But as much as he dreads talking about his feelings, it’s been months. He hasn’t even told Sam the depth of his grief, even if Sam had probably guessed it himself. He’s ready to talk about it. He wants to. He needs to.

“Do you need another blanket? It’s warm out, but sometimes the drafts make it feel cold.”

“Nah, I’m all set. Thanks for letting me crash here.”

“Of course. Dean, you’re always welcome here. No questions asked. If I were you I’d need some time away from everything too.”

“I just feel so tired.”

“I know the feeling.”

“He’s just… he’s not coming back this time.” 

“You’ll be okay.”

“I don’t know if I will this time, Jody.”

“You will.”

“I miss him.”

“I know.”

“He- I never… I let him die thinking I didn’t-”

“It’s okay,” Jody soothes and lets Dean lean into her shoulder while he cries in the arms of another person for the first time since Cas died. It feels good to not cry alone for once. To have someone to reassure him. 

He feels a semblance of life return that night, with the way Donna and Jody laugh at his half-assed joke, and the fighting between Claire and Alex that reminds him of him and Sam in some ways. He’s nowhere near over it, but he thinks maybe he could figure out how to live the life Cas wanted for him. 

***

Dean is back on the road the next day, and he thinks he’s going to go to the beach. He had always wanted a nice beach vacation. He had also thought it would be with Cas and Jack, Sam and Eileen. All of them, together. But he still finds peace in the way the winds stings his face. It’s nearing the end of August, and it’s one of the colder days. The sand looks a little grayer without the sun, the ocean a little blacker, the sky a little more cloudy. The waves wash up onto the shore, dark splashes of water… and when the water churns, spraying up around a rock, Dean is reminded of the black goop that took Cas. Then he’s reminded of the lake Cas walked into the first time Dean lost him. And suddenly the loss feels overwhelming again.

Dean takes off his sneakers and socks and lets the cold sand bury his toes. He’s halfway down the long stretch of beach when a dog bounds up to him, and he reaches down to scratch behind his ears. 

“Who are you?” He asks, and then a moment later, “Miracle?”

The dog doesn’t have a collar, and when he calls the local shelter, no one has put out a notice, so he let’s Miracle climb into the passenger seat. He ignores his phone the first time it rings, assuming Sam can wait. He sends a text saying he just left Jody’s, and then he puts it on silent and starts the car, setting off in search of a diner. 

He eats his burger in the car, feeding bits of it to Miracle, and then he buys dog ice cream and a piece of pie for himself. He pulls out his phone and is greeted by a bunch of missed calls and a few vague texts asking him to come back to the bunker.

“Is everything okay?” He asks when Sam picks up.

“Yeah, don’t worry, did you even look at my texts?”

“I was too busy panicking!” Dean says angrily.

“Just… where are you?”

“I’m about to cross the border into Colorado. Why?”

“Come home.”

“Why?”

“Just… come home. Please. I promise it’s okay, we just miss you.” Sam sounds sincere and Dean doesn’t really answer him, but he merges lanes and takes the next exit.

“How are you and Eileen?”

“We’re… really good.” Sam says and Dean can hear the smile in his voice. Maybe one day he’ll be able to get there too. "How are you?"

"I miss him," Dean says, and he can tell Sam is surprised he said it so openly.

"I know," They're both quiet for a minute, before Dean has another thought.

“Eileen isn’t pregnant is she?”

“No. God no.” Sam laughs and he takes his phone away from his ear to say that Dean’s on his way. Eileen is deaf. Sam is talking. Out loud. To someone who isn’t deaf.

“Is Charlie over?”

“No,”

“Why am I coming back?”

“We’re all okay, Dean. We just miss you.” Sam says and Dean nods, too tired to question who else ‘we’ includes, and he hangs up the phone.

A day and a half later, Dean pulls into the garage, and Sam and Eileen greet him with hugs. Miracle jumps up on Sam, who immediately scoops him into his arms, and he gives Dean an excited look that says, ‘what-the-fuck-you-got-a-dog???’, to which Dean shrugs.

Inside the bunker, Eileen and Sam disappear, leaving Dean in the living room on his own. He shakes his head at their oddness, calling him home only to leave him alone as soon as he gets there. He leads Miracle into the kitchen, hoping to find something safe for dogs to eat before he can get real dog food. But when he gets there, he finds himself face to face with a man who’s wearing Cas’ face.

“What are you?”

“Human.” He says.

“No.” Dean’s voice is weak, he can’t look away. It looks like Cas and sounds like Cas, and god, he wants it to be Cas so fucking badly.

“Dean?”

“Are you real?” Dean whispers, eyes wide and shoulders tense.

“I’m real.”

“Cas?” His voice is rough with emotion.

“Hello, Dean.”

And then Dean is wrapping his arms around Cas so strongly they both might suffocate and die all over again. He thinks he’d be okay with that if it meant he was with Cas. His hands grip tight at the back of Cas’ trench coat, and Cas’ hands smooth over his back. Dean turns his face into his shoulder and he can’t tell if he’s crying, but he’s definitely shaking. Cas’ arms are the only thing holding him up, and he thinks he might be the only thing holding Cas up too.

They stand there for ages, holding each other like they never have before, until Dean finally pulls away, separating himself from Cas as much as he can while still holding onto the fabric of Cas’ coat by his shoulder.

“You’re here?”

“I am.” Cas rumbles with a small smile.

“How?”

“Jack. He’s been busy.”

“He wouldn’t answer my prayers,” Dean says, letting his hand loosen his grip and slide down Cas’ arm till his holding onto his sleeve.

“He didn’t want to give you false hope,”

“God, Cas, I can’t- I- you’re… You’re human?” 

“The empty can’t take me if I’m not an angel anymore. It was a sacrifice that had to be made.”

“I’m so glad you’re back.” Dean says and he hugs Cas again. It hits him, how real this is. Cas is solid and warm in his arms, and he’s breathing against Dean’s neck and his heart is beating against Dean’s chest. They are real. Both of them. 

“You stupid son of a bitch,” Dean mumbles into Cas’ shoulder. “We’re done with deals, okay? No more sacrifices or demons or angels. No more… cosmic consequences. We’re safe now.”

“Okay, Dean.”

“I’ve lost you too many times, man, I can’t lose you again.”

“I’m sorry,”

“And you can’t say something like that and then just- just die, Cas what was I supposed to do?” Dean keeps talking. Cas is quiet for a minute, and the only thing keeping him from going tense is Dean’s hand curling into his hair.

“I don’t expect anything from you.”

“Of course you don’t,” Dean huffs and rolls his eyes, “But how am I supposed to live with myself knowing you died because you- because you loved me?”

“Dean…”

“And then on top of that thinking I didn’t- … back…”

Cas pulls away, and Dean has to look him in the eye now. He grabs him by the face gently, resting their foreheads together.

“Don’t ever do that again okay? I love you.”

Cas nods, smiling at Dean like he’s the fucking sun, and Dean smiles back at Cas like he’s the entire fucking universe.

**Author's Note:**

> i don't mention it, but after this, Jack starts to visit them more often and they are a big happy family again
> 
> I know this is a very thought (space) full fic, and it's like the second or third one i've written where Dean drives around a lot, but I just can't stop writing it. ... I can't stop writing about grief
> 
> I almost cried while writing this and hopefully you cry while reading (sorry)
> 
> have a lovely day/night <3
> 
> (i hope the editing isn't too horrific, it's basically non existent)


End file.
